Are You Raising A Mean Girl?

There are mean girls in every school, but is there one in your house? Deborah Herd finds out how to spot the signs and help your daughter move from mean to merciful…

- Deborah Herd

I will never forget Penny Baines*. Despite being short, Penny stood head and shoulders above her grade. She was clever, pretty, sporty, musical and so popular that she went on to be head girl of the girls’ school I attended. But it is not excellence or achievement that

I remember most about Penny. It’s the fact that despite her talents and popularity, Penny was the meanest 12-year-old in our Grade 6 class.

My family had relocated and I was the new girl. During my first weeks, I remember watching Penny in action. She would walk down the corridors, her followers in tow, like a queen bee surrounded by her workers.

But Penny wasn’t an openly bitchy girl. She was too clever for that. Her form of meanness was subtle. She employed stealth and nuance to achieve her simple goal – to retain pole position in the grade. Her followers, who were sweet girls, were too naïve and in thrall to realise how they were being manipulated and patronised. She played them like a politician playing her constituency.

Penny wouldn’t gossip about how fat another classmate was. She would whisper – ‘not wanting to be rude’ – that the girl would look so much better in her jeans if she was a little thinner; that another girl’s new hairstyle was pretty but old fashioned; that another’s skirt was stylish but too short for someone with her legs. Observe. Flatter. Knock down.

Like Penny, not all mean girls are openly mean. There are many forms of meanness, most of which are less subtle than the tactics employed by Penny, says Cape Town psychologist Melissa Ferreira. In their world of drama and high stakes, many tweens and teenage girls are shamelessly cutting, cruel and relentlessly critical of others.