Rats and roaches will need PPE in the jungle

When Matt Hancock is about to put his head into a trunk full of bugs, Ant and Dec should tell him they can’t give him a mask as they do with other celebs, as they’ve run out of protective equipment. So he’ll have to make do with a bin liner.

- MARK STEEL

If Hancock finds the yellow stars at the bottom of the snakes, they should tell him they’re not giving him any food after all. But they are going to stand under a tree every Thursday evening and clap.

When he’s crawling into a trunk full of rats, they should say: “You have to stay there for two minutes, and if it gets unbearable you have to scream ‘Get me out of here’, and we’ll let you out. That’s because it will be very unpleasant for you rats. But you, Matt Hancock, are just going to be left there.”

He says he’s taking part in the programme so he can “discuss politics with a wider audience”.

That will be noble of him, to widen our democracy by discussing the merits of a tight fiscal policy in between drinking cupfuls of kangaroo sperm.