A successful career, a caring husband, and an adorable son; life looked complete! And then-THUD. It crashed. When my only child, the love of my life, the apple of my eye, without whom my existence was unthinkable, was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukaemia on his fourth birthday. Before we could even come to terms with this catastrophe in our life, he was gone before his fifth birthday. I had left my lucrative, much-cherished job in the Indian Air Force be a full-time mother. Thank goodness I did so, otherwise, probably, I would have gone insane after the tragedy. Well, actually, it's not that I didn't!
Then the journey to the unknown path began. I wanted to live with my grief and didn't want to feign that all was well by taking up another career. I wanted answers to questions which were surfacing every now and then. I was sinking in the ocean of grief, reliving my tragedy every single moment of my existence. So, partly to run away from the situation which was taking its toll on me (I looked like a famine victim; from 62 kg I came down to 39 kg) and partly to find the answers to my questions, I started my quest. Name any spiritual organisation in India, and I was there. Not just visiting but spending time and money, sometimes months together, trying to come to terms with my grief. In the bargain, I did some translation work, learned yoga, various meditation techniques, and so on. But in my heart of hearts, I couldn't find solace anywhere.
The search for a guru
I was secretly looking for a guru, like Paramahansa Yogananda, who, in his book Autobiography of a Yogi, talks about having a one-on-one connection with his guru Yukteshwarji Maharaj. Furthermore, doubts had also started to creep in about the existence of God. I was riddled with guilt and self-blame, thoughts of punishment for past life karma, and blamed my husband for being a nonbeliever. I was sinking into an ocean of depression.
This story is from the July 2022 edition of Life Positive.
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This story is from the July 2022 edition of Life Positive.
Start your 7-day Magzter GOLD free trial to access thousands of curated premium stories, and 9,000+ magazines and newspapers.
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