From the first date to moving in together, getting married and having children, a healthy relationship is built up over time, through shared experiences and a series of significant conversations. If you're on the cusp of one of these conversations, congrats are in order... but what if you don't know how to express your desire to take your relationship further - or, worse, what if you do know but fear that it might ruin everything? "Honesty really is the best policy," advises Imago relationship therapist and author Paula Quinsee. Imago therapy sees conflict as an opportunity to deepen understanding and create healing, rather than an obstacle.
"Rather than finding yourself in a situation that's one-sided or will end in heartbreak, asking for clarity will help you make the right decisions for where you're at in your life. If you scare your partner off, they were never the one for you in the first place and hanging on to a person who is not ready to be with you is doing yourself an injustice. You deserve someone who is going to invest as much time, effort and energy into the relationship as you are."
While each stage of 'levelling up' will come with its own unique challenges, there are five steps you should always take when having an important conversation with your partner (or potential partner).
1. Have the conversation in person, face to face - not over the phone (or, heaven forbid, text).
2. Choose a time when you're both available, and at a quiet, comfortable, informal location that's free from pesky distractions and interruptions.
3. Try to choose a moment when you're both calm and in a good mood. Broaching a conversation about commitment when either of you is feeling tense, irritable or hurt is asking for trouble.
4. Don't make demands or accusatory assumptions (such as "Don't you want to commit to me?"), which could cause the other person to become reactive and defensive.
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