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I Am a Wellness Asshole Now

Esquire US

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Summer 2024

The only thing more excruciating than soaking in a tub of freezing-cold water is telling people it actually works.

- DAVE HOLMES

I Am a Wellness Asshole Now

TO BE A MIDDLE-AGED MAN IN SOUTHERN California is to find yourself saying, with alarming frequency, "Yeah, I'm one of those assholes now." If you've come from somewhere else-somewhere more corn-fed and homespun and other synonyms for unhealthy-you may adopt a wholesome habit out here. You may reap physical and emotional benefits, and you will be clowned to death by your friends from home. CrossFit, breath work, bullshitting through a gratitude journal-I've tried them all. Some have had a positive impact on my life; others have given me items to sell on OfferUp. (I'm looking at you, matcha stirring bowl.)

This year has been especially busy on the humiliatingly healthy habits front. Maybe it's a post-Covid focus on fitness, or a more robust wellness marketplace, or the fact that I hit my 50s and need to get that shit started now if I want to live forever. Whatever the reason, 2024 has been a boom time for people who want to sell wellness stuff to Dave Holmes, and the truth is that a lot of it works. Here's an incomplete list of the kinds of assholes I am now.

THE COLD-PLUNGE ASSHOLE

MEER VERHALEN VAN Esquire US

Esquire US

Esquire US

What I've Learned

Marc Maron Podcaster, comedian, writer, actor; 62; Los Angeles

time to read

3 mins

October/November 2025

Esquire US

Esquire US

THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN

His movie adaptation of Wicked earned a gazillion dollars at the box office last year. With a much-hyped sequel set to hit theaters this fall, director Jon M. Chu may be the busiest—and boldest—man in Hollywood.

time to read

5 mins

October/November 2025

Esquire US

Esquire US

A Bag Made for the Journey

BERLUTI'S new PÉRIPLE is soft, sturdy, and something you'll want to reach for EVERY TIME you need to get away for a while

time to read

2 mins

October/November 2025

Esquire US

Esquire US

A RURAL HEALTH-CARE CRISIS IS LOOMING

President Trump's One Big Beautiful Bill slashes Medicaid budgets to shrink Obamacare and fund tax cuts for the wealthy. Now dozens of hospitals in nonurban locations across America may shut down. And the human cost could be incalculable.

time to read

6 mins

October/November 2025

Esquire US

Esquire US

WHAT'S EATING GEORGE CLOONEY?

He's having a career for the ages. He has two adorable kids, a brilliant and beautiful wife, a great new movie, and still has his hair. He enjoys power and influence and is loved by millions, and today he's relaxing at his gorgeous Italian lake house. There's just one problem.

time to read

26 mins

October/November 2025

Esquire US

Esquire US

Time to Shine

Tool watches have had their moment. Now we're GETTING FANCY. These eight TIMEPIECES deliver unmatched SOPHISTICATION and style.

time to read

3 mins

October/November 2025

Esquire US

Esquire US

Getting the Souvenir T-Shirt

YOU KNOW THE ONES WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

time to read

2 mins

October/November 2025

Esquire US

Esquire US

WHAT IT FEELS LIKE...

Some feats seem unachievable. Climbing Everest in mere days. Kayaking solo across the ocean. Scaling a skyscraper with your bare hands. Few ever face such challenges. Fewer still embrace them with wideopen arms. You're about to read their stories, in their own words-of fear, hope, failure, and triumph, but always passion. This is what it feels like to experience life at its most extraordinary.

time to read

16 mins

October/November 2025

Esquire US

Esquire US

IS ICE A TERRORIST ORGANIZATION?

The question of who in the United States feels safest and for how long—and why—has become the dominant question governing life in this country

time to read

5 mins

October/November 2025

Esquire US

COUNT ME IN

Zegna's II Conte jacket is a surprisingly modern lesson in old-school style

time to read

1 mins

October/November 2025

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