How To Give Good Confrontation

In this 24/7 world of juggling work, life and relationships, losing our cool once in a while has become standard. Here, Lizzie Pook reveals how to keep calm and carry on (dignity, firmly intact)

- Lizzie Pook

At a dinner party before the last general election, I found myself stumbling on my argument as to why I was voting a particular way. Ordinarily, I can voice my opinions in an eloquent, intelligent manner. And I don’t know if it was the heightened emotions, conflicting opinions among friends or the empty wine glass, but I found myself backed into a conversational corner as voices grew louder and angrier. I left feeling frustrated and misunderstood – like a debating team drop-out.

Confrontation is a given, especially in the current divisive political climate, yet it often takes us by surprise and leaves us belatedly feeling let down. So what’s the best way to deal with it when conflict arises? Unsurprisingly, experts maintain that the most effective way to settle (and actually win) disputes is to do so quietly and calmly. ‘I always tell my clients to think back to a time when either they lost their temper or they witnessed another party losing their temper,’ says life and business coach Gemma McCrae*. ‘I can guarantee it didn’t look good. It’s rarely productive to be intimidating when you’re confronting someone.’ And Catherine Thomas, managing director of leading family divorce law firm Vardags, concurs. ‘In my experience, those who try to shout their way through a negotiation are covering up for a lack of knowledge, sophistication or confidence in their position,’ she says.

What can be helpful as a starting point – if you’re looking to tackle disputes more effectively – is an awareness of how you react to confrontation. Are you a knee-jerk aggressive if someone queue-jumps, or do you disappear the second a pub debate gets too heated?