What I've Learned from My Lifelong Journey in Polyamory

AT JUST 10 YEARS OLD, I began questioning monogamy.

- Millie Boella

Growing up in Kenya during the 1990s, I observed my tribe's varied relationship styles, including polygamy and even self-marriage (a ceremony in which a woman chooses to centre herself in her life). The realization that monogamy isn't the only option led me to explore polyamory in my teens.

Today, at 39, I have two wonderful partners. I live with Nick, who I've been with for 14 years, and I have another partner of two and a half years. I also have more than 20 comet relationships-romantic interests whom I see only a few times a year or even every few years-around the world.

Here's what I've learned from my lifelong journey in polyamory.

Monogamy has roots in colonialism

Marriage-not just in Kenya but worldwide-was originally a social contract to strengthen kinship or political ties, or it was entered into for pragmatic economic reasons. The concept of a "love marriage" was only globalized between the 18th and 19th centuries by Europeans, who promoted cultural assimilation wherever they colonized. Certainly none of my tribesKikuyu, Maasai, Dorobo and Kalenjinwere culturally monogamous before being colonized by the British.

Today, most urban Kenyans-including my family-have adopted a monogamous lifestyle. But that shift has been marked by high rates of divorce and infidelity.