CATEGORIES

COPS: EVERY CRIME WILL BE PROBED..

POLICE chiefs will pledge to investigate every crime with a “reasonable lead” after years of slacking.

Ben Soaks

SKIPPER: RAIN, RAIN GO AWAY

Pep: I'm no GOAT

PEP GUARDIOLA insisted he is no footballing god – and also dismissed suggestions that he is now the greatest of all time.

SANDALS ARE PEAK STUPIDITY

Nevis numpties alert

£145 for Prem top

FANS’ KIT STITCH UP

MY SOUL MATE

Singer ditches ghosts & signs for C4 First Dates

E.T. DON'T CLONE THE PHONES!

Earth’s mobile ‘leak’

LUCKY DAVES BORN WINNERS

DAVES are officially the luckiest folk out there.

BOBBY: I'LL STAND UP TO HEARTACHE

Comedy helps star cope with fiancée’s death

Bride 'n' Gloom

WOKE BLOKES TAKING FIANCEE TO ‘STAG DOS’

RISE & RISE OF BAKERIES

Brits love fresh healthy bread

A Vondr woman

AS first wedding anniversaries go this is a pretty special way to celebrate.

DATES SO SHADY

Sunglasses-wearers’ profiles not trusted

Booked club

LAGS QUEUE UP TO READ

BLOOMIN' LOVE THE GERMANS

Brits say it with flowers

Watching Barbie can make you fat

FANS YEARN FOOD IF THEY GLIMPSE PINK

'HUGE UFO HIDDEN IN BUILDING'

Wreck’s too big to shift

AI another day

007 NERD TO LEAD WAR ON TERMINATORS

DOPEY!

New Snow White film replaces the seven dwarfs with magic creatures

Bed bangers

METAL FANS TOP POLL FOR MOST LOVERS BONKED

INHERITANCE TAX AXE PLOT

Govt bid for ‘blue wall’ votes

On his knees

LOSING STOKES REAL POSSIBILITY

Neville: Liam’s a thicko

NOEL’S THE BRIGHT ONE SAYS FOOTIE STAR GARY

DOING SLIME!

Lag complains prison grub is full of bogeys

ROBOCROP

Farmers buying droids as human workforce dries up

FLOCKING HELL

Invasion of the sex-mad psycho gulls

Sick of hearing 'privatise NHS'

THE NHS has turned 75 – but that hasn’t stopped people sticking the boot in.

BIGGINS: MY GHOULIE IN BED SHOCK

‘Woman’ spooked panto legend

Paul played the Grin Reaper for dying lad

STAR HUMOUR A TONIC

BBC ACCUSED OF 'PERV COVER-UP'

‘Sex pics star stayed on air’